More rambling: productivity

Okay so i definitely want to be alive.

I just don't know how do to do "correct human things", and the things i know i want to do.

im constantly distracting myself with things, with instagram reels or youtube or weed or loathing myself. 

i don't know how to make myself do the right thing, procrastination and avoidance are so ingrained into my habits. i want so much more than this. 

i almost feel like i'm changing. this quarter was supposed to be better, more productive, changing my habits. and i just haven't fully done that? i shoudn't expect a completel overhaul in my life, but thats what i think i need.

what i really need is a society where money is not the only driving factor. A society where people treat others like people, integrate and thrive in nature, and people can pursue the things they want and get the things they need. a society where people aren't dying because of idiot business men.

i feel trapped in myself and in the world. and im not sure where i can crawl out of this fucking hole.

life's not even that bad, my life, that is. i just need to be better at a couple more things. 

-productivity: in school, in hygiene (body and environment)

-positive treatment of my body and mind

-passion: for my career, real hobbies

aye it's three P's nice.

the "productivity" aspect is interesting. because there is definitely good in getting things done, but the way capitalism glorifies "productivity" is absolutely disgusting. it's a ploy to get their workers to work more, it causes burn-out, causes detachment from their personhood. It's only benefit is making money and the illusion of being successful. that's not real productivity, thats a time prison. and its what is expected out of people every damn day, and only works for a small subset of people (usually neurotypical white men). 

also, this is me actively procrastinating the things. need to get done, the things i really want to do, the things that will affect my future career. and blaming the state of the world bc i think i can't do things.

but im tired. tired of the way i have to do things, tired of letting everything distract me, tired of myself and the world. 

i dont want to die, but this doesn't feel like living. 

i need to make a better world out of this, somehow