I'm Sprout :]

...or at least that's my pseudonym for now. I go by (They/She/He) or whatever you want to refer to me as.

I created this blog to help me journal. It's partially an art project and partially a notebook for tracking my progress. 

please be a kind human











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More rambling: productivity

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Okay so i definitely want to be alive. I just don't know how do to do "correct human things", and the things i know i want to do. im constantly distracting myself with things, with instagram reels or youtube or weed or loathing myself.  i don't know how to make myself do the right thing, procrastination and avoidance are so ingrained into my habits. i want so much more than this.  i almost feel like i'm changing. this quarter was supposed to be better, more productive, changing my habits. and i just haven't fully done that? i shoudn't expect a completel overhaul in my life, but thats what i think i need. what i really need is a society where money is not the only driving factor. A society where people treat others like people, integrate and thrive in nature, and people can pursue the things they want and get the things they need. a society where people aren't dying because of idiot business men. i feel trapped in myself and in the world. and im not sur...
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When It Was My Choice

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Whenever i walk back down the road at night, i feel as if i'm back on that night. As if that walk is what could've happened. i could've turned around and nothing would be different. Honestly, if I had turned around, I may have actually succeeded in an attempt. i dont know. part of my wishes i had turned around that night, hung up on hydra and them, and walked back home. Then maybe things would've ended sooner, or i would've gotten better faster. But, the other part of me understands that if i hadn't went to the bridge that night/early morning, i would've have gotten the help i desperately needed. i wouldn't be where i am today.  but, maybe i wish i wasn't here still. maybe if i had walked away from hydra, i would have realized this was all me and it was all my own instigation. maybe then i would've been able to do it. when it was my choice.
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okk still alive, unfortunately

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I guess I decided to keep trying. After a breakdown the other day and talking more to LB, I don't think I'll be able to go through with anything yet.  The good thing is, though, that things aren't going too bad. I randomly made some candles recently, I just got a bass amplifier (I've been using the aux on my record player for my bass until now—lol), and I don't feel terribly depressed all the time.  It sucks that the main reason I'm alive right now is for other people, but honestly, that's just what it's going to have to be until I stop hating myself so much.  I'm not okay, but I'll be okay.
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