Saturn Sprout

I guess I decided to keep trying. After a breakdown the other day and talking more to LB, I don't think I'll be able to go through with anything yet.  The good thing is, though, that things aren't going too bad. I randomly made some candles recently, I just got a bass amplifier (I've been using the aux on my record player for my bass until now—lol), and I don't feel terribly depressed all the time.  It sucks that the main reason I'm alive right now is for other people, but honestly, that's just what it's going to have to be until I stop hating myself so much.  I'm not okay, but I'll be okay.

there is absolutely no escape to this shit. i want to be fucking gone so badly, or at least someone else with a more stable mind.  nothing i do or try will ever be good enough. i am inherently a piece of shit and absolutely stupid. I don't have a future, and I know it; even if I did somehow get a bachelor's and PhD, I wouldn't have changed. everything i do is wrong its just wrong everything is so fucking wrong. what is wrong with me i just want to die god im so tired of my shit - why does this happen every couple months. i think its the end, and i always end up staying. i just want to go through with it. i just want to die. god i dont want to fucking be here anymore, i cant contribute anyting to the world except my fucking whining. people expect me to be able to do so much, and are always disapointed. i havent really done anything with my life, and yet i keep trying. i keep fucking trying it nothing happens. - i need to be gone. i need to be fucking gone. people dont deserv

I'm not horribly suicidal right now, at least as much as I have been recently. I cut down some knotweed on the side of my house when I got home, and before that, I dropped something off at my neighbor's. I felt like a villager, living a simple life in a community with nature. My problem is that I don't have enough time to enjoy the things I want to enjoy because I'm either stressed about school and my future or self-destructive and isolating myself. But today was really nice. I didn't feel completely stupid while studying for my math midterm, either. I wish I had more time to be human; I wish I could sit in nature and fvcking chop weeds all the time or something. God, I love life so damn much; that's part of why I want to die so badly. The way the system and the world work right now isn't suitable for humans. It's not suitable to be human; you must be a machine to function and be somewhat satisfied. I wish I could be a machine, but I don't think anyo

 I haven't been taking my meds lately. I'm not totally sure why; I just don't want to. One excuse is that i don't want to be "artificially" okay when i'm really not. It doesn't truly change anything on the inside, i'm still messed up either way. at least not taking them allows me to know how i'm actually doing on the inside.  I'd rather be worse, than artificially better. I'd rather feel like nothing, than pretending to be better. i'm not better and i don't think i'll ever be. there is no "better", honestly. i'll always be affected by my trauma and past, there's no escaping that. but what i'm doing now feels like giving up constantly getting high, fucking off instead of doing schoolwork, it's like i'm trying to get worse. and i think i am?  i don't know. i want to hurt myself, i'd love to cut again, but i dont have as much interest as i did before. i dont have much interest in anything t

i love how these turned out,. LB's apartment (what i photographed) is such a safe space for me.  I wanted to capture the nostalgia, homey-ness, and beautiful natural lighting in the living room.  It's kind of surprising how well these turned out, given I was baked as fvck.- I love that i can use photoshop now :] 

I wish I could erase myself.  I'm not sure why I've had this longing for non-existence for so long. It just came naturally to me. I've always inherently felt like I wasn't supposed to exist in the world as it is now. I wasn't made for this world, and I wasn't made to succeed in it either.  I regret having impacted others. I know I've helped people with my presence, and I know that should give my life more meaning than it has. I wish I wasn't myself, or at least didn't have to experience the world I do now. I wish others could forget about me and let me move on somewhere I belong.  I've always thought I was going to die young. In elementary, I was sure I was going to kill myself at 13, but here I am.  I'm happy about the things I've experienced; I just wish I could decide when I want it to end, or I wish I hadn't experienced it at all.  I hate feeling guilty for not wanting to be here, not wanting to be here with myself. I know I'd

i genuinely dont want to be better right now. i want to rot, i want to hate myself, and i want to deal with it. i want to get things over with and be apathetic about it.  maybe things will hurt less then maybe i wont have to be so stressed all the time if i know it doeant truly matter because im rotting anyways if i dont feel the need to have a decent future, i dont have to care about this. i dont have to be stressed. i can rot and be content and regretful about everything.  i need to stop caring, and im halfway there. i want to go through life dazed and unconscious, i dont want to be with myself for this long.  i want to rot