Often and Easily

  I just got out of (yet another) really bad depressive(?)/suicidal episode. I'm pretty sure it was mostly stress-induced since it was towards the end of the school quarter. But I still don't feel much better, even though it's now summer break. I cry often and easily.

I am constantly trying to run off somewhere else and doing drugs to keep me away from myself and my brain. It helps, but I hate crashing; it's okay. 

I got into a fight with my friend A, stopped talking for a bit, and then resolved it. I still feel like there's something between us; we're supposed to be best friends, but something still feels off. But that's how I feel with most people I'm near. 

I still feel like nothing; I've felt nothing for a while. It's not horribly debilitating, but just miserable enough to make me consider checking myself into a ward, lol. Feeling nothing and crying about random things is odd, but it just means I don't understand why I'm crying when I do? Like, it's always about something stupid, but there's always a deeper problem that's causing it, but I don't feel connected to it as much. Maybe that's my problem, I'm not really a part of myself anymore, or I'm finally back in my body, and I'm realizing how fucking weird it all is. I honestly don't love existence, it's kind of boring and sad and exhausting. But it's okay; sometimes there's fun stuff, too. 

I'm sure there is more waiting for me in the future; I'm just in a weird limbo right now. I keep thinking about the future—about studying physics, understanding complex things, and commuting to work as some sort of researcher. Early mornings or late nights, universities, grad school. If I could get there, I know I'll have made it—I'd have made it farther than I ever thought I could. I can just breathe the cool air now. I wish i could get there faster, but i suppose i should focus on my present for now.