Alive again, mostly

I'm not horribly suicidal right now, at least as much as I have been recently. I cut down some knotweed on the side of my house when I got home, and before that, I dropped something off at my neighbor's. I felt like a villager, living a simple life in a community with nature.

My problem is that I don't have enough time to enjoy the things I want to enjoy because I'm either stressed about school and my future or self-destructive and isolating myself. But today was really nice. I didn't feel completely stupid while studying for my math midterm, either.

I wish I had more time to be human; I wish I could sit in nature and fvcking chop weeds all the time or something.

God, I love life so damn much; that's part of why I want to die so badly. The way the system and the world work right now isn't suitable for humans. It's not suitable to be human; you must be a machine to function and be somewhat satisfied. I wish I could be a machine, but I don't think anyone is. I believe everyone is unhappy and masking it, of course, to different extents, but it's so hard to believe anyone could have a happy life given how things are set up.

I wish I was a carefree child again. But not even that; I wish I was in the womb or died during birth. Then, I wouldn't have to have been so scarred by others and the world. And I wouldn't be as attached to it as I am now.



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