Okay so i definitely want to be alive. I just don't know how do to do "correct human things", and the things i know i want to do. im constantly distracting myself with things, with instagram reels or youtube or weed or loathing myself. i don't know how to make myself do the right thing, procrastination and avoidance are so ingrained into my habits. i want so much more than this. i almost feel like i'm changing. this quarter was supposed to be better, more productive, changing my habits. and i just haven't fully done that? i shoudn't expect a completel overhaul in my life, but thats what i think i need. what i really need is a society where money is not the only driving factor. A society where people treat others like people, integrate and thrive in nature, and people can pursue the things they want and get the things they need. a society where people aren't dying because of idiot business men. i feel trapped in myself and in the world. and im not sur...
I guess I decided to keep trying. After a breakdown the other day and talking more to LB, I don't think I'll be able to go through with anything yet. The good thing is, though, that things aren't going too bad. I randomly made some candles recently, I just got a bass amplifier (I've been using the aux on my record player for my bass until now—lol), and I don't feel terribly depressed all the time. It sucks that the main reason I'm alive right now is for other people, but honestly, that's just what it's going to have to be until I stop hating myself so much. I'm not okay, but I'll be okay.
I just got out of (yet another) really bad depressive(?)/suicidal episode. I'm pretty sure it was mostly stress-induced since it was towards the end of the school quarter. But I still don't feel much better, even though it's now summer break. I cry often and easily. I am constantly trying to run off somewhere else and doing drugs to keep me away from myself and my brain. It helps, but I hate crashing; it's okay. I got into a fight with my friend A, stopped talking for a bit, and then resolved it. I still feel like there's something between us; we're supposed to be best friends, but something still feels off. But that's how I feel with most people I'm near. I still feel like nothing; I've felt nothing for a while. It's not horribly debilitating, but just miserable enough to make me consider checking myself into a ward, lol. Feeling nothing and crying about random things is odd, but it just means I don't understand why I'm crying when I...
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