delusional piece of shit


there is absolutely no escape to this shit. i want to be fucking gone so badly, or at least someone else with a more stable mind. 

nothing i do or try will ever be good enough.

i am inherently a piece of shit and absolutely stupid.

I don't have a future, and I know it; even if I did somehow get a bachelor's and PhD, I wouldn't have changed. everything i do is wrong its just wrong everything is so fucking wrong.

what is wrong with me i just want to die god im so tired of my shit

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why does this happen every couple months. i think its the end, and i always end up staying. i just want to go through with it. i just want to die. god i dont want to fucking be here anymore, i cant contribute anyting to the world except my fucking whining.

people expect me to be able to do so much, and are always disapointed. i havent really done anything with my life, and yet i keep trying. i keep fucking trying it nothing happens.

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i need to be gone. i need to be fucking gone. people dont deserve to have to deal with my shit anymore. all i do is whine and procrastinate and cry and isolate myself and whine some more. 

i pretend to be this allknowing thing that always has to be in control, but i dont know shit. i really, really dont know shit. and yet i think im the only one with common sense.

if i were gone it'd be doing the world a fucking favor, one less whiney fucking bitch to ruin everyone elses lives.

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i've already put so much financial and emotional strain on my family. if I actually succeeded, they would only have to pay for a funeral. i know they would mourn me, but at least they wouldnt have to be worried all the time anymore. they wouldnt have to constantly think about me and how to keep me safe. 

and LB, god i love him so much. i wish i could spend the rest of your life with you. im so sorry im like this, im so sorry i found you, im sorry i put myself in your life only to leave it. im so fucking sorry. but i need to be gone. ill always be with you, though. ill always be with everyone, maybe ill finally be able to enjoy the beauty of the world. without being in my mind and body. 

i swear, my mind is hell. 


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