i wish i could erase myself


I wish I could erase myself. 

I'm not sure why I've had this longing for non-existence for so long. It just came naturally to me. I've always inherently felt like I wasn't supposed to exist in the world as it is now. I wasn't made for this world, and I wasn't made to succeed in it either. 

I regret having impacted others. I know I've helped people with my presence, and I know that should give my life more meaning than it has. I wish I wasn't myself, or at least didn't have to experience the world I do now. I wish others could forget about me and let me move on somewhere I belong. 

I've always thought I was going to die young. In elementary, I was sure I was going to kill myself at 13, but here I am. 

I'm happy about the things I've experienced; I just wish I could decide when I want it to end, or I wish I hadn't experienced it at all. 

I hate feeling guilty for not wanting to be here, not wanting to be here with myself. I know I'd hurt others if I left on my own.

That's why I wish I could erase myself.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

i took some photos !

Image
i love how these turned out,. LB's apartment (what i photographed) is such a safe space for me.  I wanted to capture the nostalgia, homey-ness, and beautiful natural lighting in the living room.  It's kind of surprising how well these turned out, given I was baked as fvck.- I love that i can use photoshop now :] 
Read more

Often and Easily

Image
  I just got out of (yet another) really bad depressive(?)/suicidal episode. I'm pretty sure it was mostly stress-induced since it was towards the end of the school quarter. But I still don't feel much better, even though it's now summer break. I cry often and easily. I am constantly trying to run off somewhere else and doing drugs to keep me away from myself and my brain. It helps, but I hate crashing; it's okay.  I got into a fight with my friend A, stopped talking for a bit, and then resolved it. I still feel like there's something between us; we're supposed to be best friends, but something still feels off. But that's how I feel with most people I'm near.  I still feel like nothing; I've felt nothing for a while. It's not horribly debilitating, but just miserable enough to make me consider checking myself into a ward, lol. Feeling nothing and crying about random things is odd, but it just means I don't understand why I'm crying when I...
Read more