medication

 I haven't been taking my meds lately. I'm not totally sure why; I just don't want to. One excuse is that i don't want to be "artificially" okay when i'm really not. It doesn't truly change anything on the inside, i'm still messed up either way. at least not taking them allows me to know how i'm actually doing on the inside. 

I'd rather be worse, than artificially better.

I'd rather feel like nothing, than pretending to be better.

i'm not better and i don't think i'll ever be. there is no "better", honestly. i'll always be affected by my trauma and past, there's no escaping that.

but what i'm doing now feels like giving up

constantly getting high, fucking off instead of doing schoolwork, it's like i'm trying to get worse. and i think i am? 

i don't know.

i want to hurt myself, i'd love to cut again, but i dont have as much interest as i did before. i dont have much interest in anything these days--probably because of my lack of zoloft.

maybe i'm hoping my lack of meds is going to make me worse enough i'll actually stop caring. i won't have to feel guilty, i won't have to feel stressed. i could actually die then.

but, whatever. we'll see what happens