Saturn Sprout

Okay so i definitely want to be alive. I just don't know how do to do "correct human things", and the things i know i want to do. im constantly distracting myself with things, with instagram reels or youtube or weed or loathing myself.  i don't know how to make myself do the right thing, procrastination and avoidance are so ingrained into my habits. i want so much more than this.  i almost feel like i'm changing. this quarter was supposed to be better, more productive, changing my habits. and i just haven't fully done that? i shoudn't expect a completel overhaul in my life, but thats what i think i need. what i really need is a society where money is not the only driving factor. A society where people treat others like people, integrate and thrive in nature, and people can pursue the things they want and get the things they need. a society where people aren't dying because of idiot business men. i feel trapped in myself and in the world. and im not sur...

 i dont wish i was dead. i just wish life was less miserable. life is entirely miserable, i absolutely enjoy a lot of things. the only miserable thing is the systems people created. im cool with their cultures and food and humor and things, though. i just hate the government. lol back to the cia thing, i hope this doesnt make the cia guy think i shouldnt work for the government! lmao im not sure why im making this post. im bored, and putting off studying for my exams. i feel like a mess, and giving up sounds sooooo good.  i think im the most aware person on the planet, im not. im just as delusional as everyone else, school is hard

 God i am so fucking depressing. my entire life i have spent in and out and in and out of depressive episodes and I I am donnneeeeee with this fucking cycle. i hate my fucking brain, and I hate the fucking world, and I don't think anything is going to change that honestly? which is a sad fact. I'm high right now, typing this, so I might sound like a maniac.... thank god for Grammarly, you can properly understand my speech!!! typing actually.... yeahhhhhhh anyways: I'm done with my cycle. of never changing. i cant be that a stupid fucking fourth grader anymore man, like why cant I turn a signal thing in on time??????????? also I constantly sabatoge myself. CNSTANTLY. and now that I'm "grown up" and a big cool teenager, I have drugs now!! to help me sabatoge myself in new and FUN ways!!!!!!! omg I'm being so silly rrrrnnnn. im high as fuck.\ OH SHIT!!!! IF I TRYING TO WORK FOR THE CIA, THEY WILL FIND THIS IN THEIR BACKGROUND CHECK. I HOPE I DO, AND SOME GUY ...

  I just got out of (yet another) really bad depressive(?)/suicidal episode. I'm pretty sure it was mostly stress-induced since it was towards the end of the school quarter. But I still don't feel much better, even though it's now summer break. I cry often and easily. I am constantly trying to run off somewhere else and doing drugs to keep me away from myself and my brain. It helps, but I hate crashing; it's okay.  I got into a fight with my friend A, stopped talking for a bit, and then resolved it. I still feel like there's something between us; we're supposed to be best friends, but something still feels off. But that's how I feel with most people I'm near.  I still feel like nothing; I've felt nothing for a while. It's not horribly debilitating, but just miserable enough to make me consider checking myself into a ward, lol. Feeling nothing and crying about random things is odd, but it just means I don't understand why I'm crying when I...

[old draft]  i would absolutely LOVE to not be me right now. i wish i didnt have so much i wanted to accomplish i wis i didnt have so many hopes for myself i wish more people disliked me, or at least were indifferent to me because all i actually am is self destructive. i give myself so much hope for the future, only to fuck it all up CONSTANTLY. i wish i wasnt like this. 

I guess I decided to keep trying. After a breakdown the other day and talking more to LB, I don't think I'll be able to go through with anything yet.  The good thing is, though, that things aren't going too bad. I randomly made some candles recently, I just got a bass amplifier (I've been using the aux on my record player for my bass until now—lol), and I don't feel terribly depressed all the time.  It sucks that the main reason I'm alive right now is for other people, but honestly, that's just what it's going to have to be until I stop hating myself so much.  I'm not okay, but I'll be okay.

there is absolutely no escape to this shit. i want to be fucking gone so badly, or at least someone else with a more stable mind.  nothing i do or try will ever be good enough. i am inherently a piece of shit and absolutely stupid. I don't have a future, and I know it; even if I did somehow get a bachelor's and PhD, I wouldn't have changed. everything i do is wrong its just wrong everything is so fucking wrong. what is wrong with me i just want to die god im so tired of my shit - why does this happen every couple months. i think its the end, and i always end up staying. i just want to go through with it. i just want to die. god i dont want to fucking be here anymore, i cant contribute anyting to the world except my fucking whining. people expect me to be able to do so much, and are always disapointed. i havent really done anything with my life, and yet i keep trying. i keep fucking trying it nothing happens. - i need to be gone. i need to be fucking gone. people dont deserv...